Jon Stewart Is Ready To Negotiate With Donald Trump

Jon Stewart takes over the Late Show with his own message for the president.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
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Caption: >> stephen: jon, everybody, as. i was talking to you before, as. i said when i was standing over. there, uh, donald trump, today,. just totally trumped it up. he was trumping it trumply. he trumped the hell out of it. ( laughter ). and you know, i don't -- i --. >> you okay, buddy . ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: oh!. hi, jon!. ( cheers and applause ). nice to see you, man!. >> jon: good to see you!. ( cheers and applause ). >> my buddy seemed sad. >> stephen: every day you've. got the new things that trump. does, and it just -- you know,. it wears you down. >> i don't know what you're. talking about, but, you know. what . why don't you relax at my place. and me take this a little bit. let me talk to trump. >> i'd be happy to. oh my god, you reshingled the. pool house . a croquet pavilion!. i know where i'm going on. vacation!. >> all right, i'm rolling deep,. baby!. which camera's the one that goes. to the president . three, two, one, boom!. ( laughter ). ( cheers and applause ). ( piano riff ). hello, donald. ( laughter ). it's me, the guy you made sure. everyone knew was jewish. on twitter. ( laughter ). i know you're upset about all. the criticism you've been taking. in the fake news and the fake. late night shows. it's just, we're still having a. little trouble adjusting to. your presidency as it goes into. its 500th year. ( laughter ). ( cheers and applause ). everything's off its axis. it's a little unusual. apparently, putin and kim jong. un are noble, intelligent role. models, and canada's a giant. ( bleep ). that's hard to get used to. you're redoing the post-war. alliances, only this time we're. with the axis powers. but if there's one hallmark to. your presidency i find most. difficult, it's that, no matter. what you do, it always comes. with an extra layer of gleeful. cruelty. and dickishness. ( cheers and applause ). it's not just that you don't. want people taking a knee, it's. that they're sons of bitches if. they do. it's not just denying women who. accuse you of sexual assault,. it's saying they were too ugly. anyway. you can't just be against the. media, they're the enemy of the. people. it's not even partisan. anyone in the republican party. dare speak against you, they. also must be humiliated, even if. they have a terminal disease. which brings us to immigration. boy, you ( bleep ) that up!. ( cheers and applause ). sorry. ( laughter ). the seminal example of the trump. doctrine, its goal best. expressed by governor arnold. schwarzenegger. >> to crush your enemies, see. them driven before you, and to. hear the lamentations of their. women!. ( laughter ). >> yes, you only seem happy if. you hear the lamentations of the. women. you could have absolutely made a. more stringent border policy. that would have made your point. about enforcement, but i guess. it wouldn't have felt right. without a dickensian level of. villainy. you casually separated people. seeking asylum from their. children. babies. it made me realize something. you may be orange, you may like. hamburgers, you may be a clown,. but you are no ronald mcdonald. ( laughter ). ( cheers and applause ). i'm sorry!. i hat to say it!. it's true!. you're a businessman. let's negotiate. for an end to this gratuitous. dickishness, what can we give. you . you dig the dictator thing. how about a giant building with. gold toilets and your name on. it . in giant letters that --. ( whispering ). that's where he lived !. ( laughter ). all right, how about we give you. a whole news network that spends. 24 hours a day praising. everything you do . ( whispering ). >> named for a small animal . ( laughter ). damn it!. okay, let's go full-on. arch-villain: how about we have. a volcano destroy a large. portion of the home state of. your enemy barack obama . ( whispering ). he ( bleep ) destroyed hawaii !. ( laughter ). ( cheers and applause ). all right, this is it!. clearly, we're not going to be. able to negotiate or shame you. into decency, but there is one. place where i draw the line: i. won't allow you and your. sycophants to turn your cruelty. into virtue. >> the president is a fighter. >> he's tough, a fighter and a. strong leader who loves this. country. >> he's a very compassionate. human being. >> donald trump is the exact. right leader we need at this. frightening time to make sure. that america still leads. >> donald trump is not a racist. >> he talks like a guy from. queens. >> donald trump talks like the. majority of the american people. talk. >> the majority of the people. aren't ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ). he doesn't talk like the. majority of the american people. he talks more like a. gerrymandered minority that. shrewdly played the electoral. college. ( applause ). you know, as lincoln once said. "i am the least racist person. you've ever met. the blacks, they love me. ". ( laughter ). sorry, that was you. ( laughter ). what lincoln said in his cooper. union speech was to point out. the one thing southern. slaveholders really wanted from. the free states: "this, and this. only: cease to call slavery. wrong, and join them in calling. it right. ". it was on this point that. lincoln said the union could not. bend. and what donald trump wants is. for us to stop calling his. cruelty and fear and. divisiveness wrong but to join. him in calling it right. and this we cannot do. ( cheers and applause ). and by not yielding, we will. prevail. and i say, by not yielding, we. will prevail!. ( cheers and applause ). unless, of course, the. democratic leadership continues. to be a bunch of feckless. >> stephen: jon stewart,. everybody!. we'll be right back with michael. moore. ( cheers and applause ). ( band playing ). .
 

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