Revolutionary War – SNL

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The Patriots from New England (Natalie Portman, Rachel Dratch, Alex Moffat, Heidi Gardner, Luke Null) and the Philadelphians (Tina Fey, Mikey Day, Kenan Thompson) argue over who is better.
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>> order!. >> we must declare ourselves an. independent nation. >> and fight the british army . we cannot win. >> glorious news from boston!. it seems the new englanders have. won an astounding victory over. the british at a place called. bunker hill. [ grumbling ]. >> i don't understand. is it not welcome news . >> no, it is. it's just that now we have to. hear the boasting from the. patriots of new england. [ laughter and applause ]. >> the new england patriots are. unstoppable!. [ cheers ]. >> do we even know how to lose . >> no. >> dynasty, that's the word. you're looking for. dynasty. [ laughter ]. that's how we do it in. massachusetts, kid. >> and connecticut was there. too. >> yeah, sure, a bit. >> but we're number one!. >> number one, kid. >> i recognize that new england. wins battles, but must they be. so obnoxious about it . >> dreadfully annoying. frankly, i'm willing to lose. this whole year of war if it. means not seeing them win again. >> new englanders, are you. drinking beer . this is not the public house . >> no kid, this is coffee from. dunkin'. the best. dunkin', thanks. [ laughter ]. i should start charging for. this. >> i applaud you new englanders. on your many victories. whoblaugh!. >> many victories, try five,. boss. five!. >> yeah, we won them all. the french and indian war. >> won it. >> king phillips' war. >> killed it. >> lexington concord. >> crushed it. and now bunker hill. >> the best one yet. >> oh, oh, oh, tell them the. story. >> oh, god, here we go. >> it was insane, bro. the british got like 50 ships,. we got pushed back way behind. our line, like 40 yards. >> i see. >> but our guys, captain. thomas brady. [ laughter ]. he's got like the best cannon. and boom, we come back like we. always do. >> it was wicked sick. wicked. >> wonderful and always lovely. to hear about another story. about thomas brady. now --. >> thomas brady is like a. machine. [ laughter ]. we're new england!. >> we eat the most lobster. >> and we got the most rocks in. our soil, so how you like us. now . >> yes, well congratulations. again, but i'm sure others would. fight just as bravely if given. the chance. >> yay, we won. [ cheering ]. >> i see, i see. from philadelphia. >> yeah, how you doing . >> we crossed many waters up the. schuylkill river to give all. yous a mention. philly is mad strong from the. little babies to our mom moms. and pop pops. we're ready to fight. >> with a hot horseshoe at your. head and send the british --. >> so grease up them poles,. cause philly's going to win,. and then one of these guys is. going to punch a police horse. >> yeah, we's abinch of rowdy. quakers. >> you're from philadelphia . >> yeah, west philadelphia born. and raised. [ cheers and applause ]. >> well, i admire your spirit,. philadelphia, but you don't. exactly have a history of. winning battles like new england. does. >> yeah, well that was then,. this is now, right . call us the igles, cause we're. ready to fly. >> fly eagles fly. >> i'm sorry, the igles . >> yeah, and like igles, we. philadephians are swift, we are. deadly, and our eyes are a. little too close together. [ laughter ]. >> and we got the best food. >> yeah. venison hoagies, porkchop. peppers, and corn fritters from. wawa. wawa is an indian lady. >> philadelphia, please, you got. no chance, kid. >> yeah, let new england handle. this. >> oh come on, new england, go. home. >> yeah, and can i tell you. something about your captain. thomas brady . he's old, okay . he is like 40, that's four years. past life expectancy. [ laughter ]. >> you take that back. >> please listen, hun. boston's not even a real city,. it's a college town with a. fishing pier, okay . [ cheers and applause ]. >> oh yeah, talk to us when you. when one, numb nuts. >> order, order!. patriots of new england, you. have truly achieved remarkable. success, but i believe i speak. for this entire chamber when i. say shut up. [ laughter ]. shut up. yes, you have won in the past,. but by no means does that. guarantee a future victory. and philadelphians, you are. overdue for victory, and i wish. you all of the best in your. upcoming battle. but if you do win, please be. cool. okay, just be cool about it. just because the british don't. burn your city doesn't mean you. have to. do we have an understanding . >> nope. [ laughter ]. >> yeah, we're the best, you. know it. >> yeah, cause new england. brings the pain. >> and connecticut, too. [ laughter ]. >> yeah, i don't think so, you. trying to get beat tonight . >> we don't need the british. we can settle this outside right. now. >> oh, good with me. come one, one if by land. two if by your mother. [ cheers and applause ]. >> they are the worst. >> is there any way that both of. them could lose . >> god, let's hope so. [ cheers and applause. .
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