So Here We Are: Donald Trump Is Officially The President

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Trump took time during his Inaugural address to talk about how the former President sucks, while Obama had to sit there as helpless as a damp Russian mattress.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
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Caption: ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome to "the late. show. ". hey, everybody!. so nice to have you here. i'm you host, stephen colbert. ( cheers ). let's see, let's see. how was your day . what's in the news . what's in the news . what's going on . el chapo is el screwed-o. ( laughter ). what else . oh, ammondash has got these. things, amazon has these dash. buttons on line so it's easier. to order. that's a whole new world. >> jon: yeah, alexa. >> stephen: play-offs are this. weekend. oh, oh, there's this one thing. if you're waking up from a com. coma-- bad timing, first of. all,. ( laughter ). donald trump has been sworn in. as president of the united. states. i know, i know. listen, listen, we're just as. confused as you are, and we've. been weak this whole time. , of course, this is trump,. okay. even though he's president, he. loves to tweet and inauguration. day is no different. he tweeted, "we can't let this. happen. we should march on washington. and stop this travesty. our nation is totally divided!". i'm sorry. i'm sorry. that was from obama's election. my apologies. he feels pretty good about this. one for some reason. at the inaugural, trump made an. entrance with a tie the length. of an aircraft carrier. that is-- that is a lot of red. tie. that is "make america tie again". i think is the motto. it looked like the underbelly of. a rainbow trout. but the thing is, whatever the. president wears at the inaugural. sets a fashion trend for men. for the next four years. j. f. k. faemsly did not wear a. hat, so men stopped wearing hats. in the 1960s. so in honor of our new. president. ( cheers and applause ). it's very handy. it's very handy. you can use it for all sorts of. things, like-- you could use it. to hide an erection, for. instance, which i will not have. for four years now. ( applause ). let's see, let's see, let's see. on oh, hillary clinton was. there. that was so nice of her to. actually be there. don't you think . ( cheers and applause ). that was really big of her to be. there. it could not have been easy to. leave her squirrel friends back. in the forest. here she is-- this is her making. small talk with president bush. "i actually got more votes than. he did. yeah, like gore. ". now, if--. ( laughter ). ( applause ). did you guys watch it . did you guys watch it this. afternoon . if it seemed a little dark in. the capitol, it was either. because it was overcast or. because michelle obama was. throwing so much shade. ( cheers and applause ). still, she looked beautiful. she look fantastic in that red. dress. it was amacing. meanwhile, melania looked. stunning in her sky blue, ralph. lauren head-transportation. device. ( laughter ). i'm so sorry the rest of her. couldn't make it. i was so sorry. but,sh, the fashion star of the. day was counselor to the. president, kellyanne conway. i would describe that look as. "nutcracker who came to life,. but only got halfway there. ". ( cheers and applause ). now--. ? ? ?. if you look closely-- this is. true-- her buttons are actually. little angry cat heads. very bold for her to wear. pussies that close to the. new president. >> jon: oh!. oh!. >> stephen: the podium today. held four of our previous. presidents, and it was inspiring. to see our next four presidents. all marching in together. >> jon: wow!. >> stephen: now, right off the. top, the reverend samuel. rodriguez got things started. with a stirring invocation. >> god blesses those who are. humble, for they will inherit. the earth. >> stephen: yes, the humble will. inherit the earth. people who brag a lot get the. united states of america. and, my man, timothy cardinal. dolan, of course, quoted. solomon. >> from your glorious throne,. dispatch her that she may be. with us and work with us. that we may grasp what is. pleasing to you. >> stephen: yes, "that we may. grasp what is pleasing to. you. ". ( laughter ). ( applause ). i believe that's the same prayer. trump said to billy bush on that. bus. ( cheers and applause ). let us grasp. let us grasp. let us grasp. what is pleasing. now, there were some really nice. moments today. like after mike pence was sworn. in, we were treated to a. beautiful rendition of "america. the beautiful" by the l. l. bean. category. ( laughter ). then-- you really can't button. your coat if your tie is this. long. it looks like half of it is. trying to escape out a back. door. then--. ( laughter ). can you tell i'm trying to delay. this part of the monologue as. long as possible. then came the big moment. donald trump taking the oath of. office with his hand on linkon's. bible. and i have been assured that it. was consensual. so that's it. donald trump is president. he knows the launch codes. and he hasn't tweeted them yet. so far, so good. ( laughter ). ( applause ). then, of course,-- gotta stay. hopeful. little things. little victory. then it was time for the speech. there were some nice things. about it. it was short, and it opened on a. gracious note. >> people of the world, thank. you. >> stephen: and the world said,. "hey, man, do not pin this on. us. we didn't vote. we did not-- nothing to do with. it. we're clean!. we're clean. ". ( applause ). trump had a message about the. gridlock of washington. >> that is the past, and now we. are looking only to the future. >> stephen: so don't ask about. my tax returns ever again, okay,. future. future. then, and then, like lincoln. huffing paint thinner, this. stirring orator invoked an. inspiring picture of the country. he now leads. >> america's infrastructure has. fallen into disrepair and decay,. mothers and children trapped in. poverty in our inner cities,. rusted out factories scattered. like tombstones across the. landscape, our young and. beautiful students deprived of. all knowledge. >> stephen: wow. that is really--. >> --and the crime and the. gangs, and the drugs. >> stephen: okay, okay. are you done . because i think that the one. thing--. >> --american carnage. >> stephen: we get it!. we get it!. the country is a turd storm. you said all of that during the. campaign. you can stop now. he knows he won, right . putin must have told him. ( cheers and applause ). just give it up!. the inauguration, of course,. also included the time-honored. tradition of talking about how. the former president suction,. while obama and biden had to sit. there as helpless as a damp. russian mattress. ( cheers and applause ). i'll tell you, i really feel bad. for joe bind. he got so upset he turned into a. jeff dunham puppet. trump then dedicated his. administration to his biggest. supporters. >> the forgotten men and women. of our country will be. forgotten no longer. >> stephen: yes, the trump. administration will never forget. great americans like buddy,. here, chief, and big guy-- and. my african american over here. i'll never, you're always-- then. the 45th president of the. united states hammered home one. of his biggest campaign. promises. >> we will get our people off of. welfare and back to work. rebuilding our country with. american hands and american. labor. >> stephen: yes, he is clearly. already getting americans. back to work, because here's the. mall when obama was inaugurated. in 2009. and here it is for trump. ( cheers and applause ). i mean, all i can-. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's it. that's how it goes. >> stephen: all i can figure. is that nobody could get the day. off. they're all working. either that's a lot of empty. space, or that crowd is even. whiter than i thought. ( laughter ). ( applause ). i mean, there were-- there were. big, empty spaces in the crowd,. or as trump called them, "the. most least people ever. ". "the greatest most fantastic. lack of attendance in american. history. we're not going to believe how. many people didn't show up. ". trump pledged to repair the. country's infrastructure. >> we will build new roads and. highways and bridges and. airports and tunnels and. railways all across our. wonderful nation. >> stephen: yes, roads and. highways and bridges and. airports and tunnels and. railways-- so many ways to flee. the country. ( laughter ). ( applause ). ( cheers ). but after spending the bulk of . his inaugural address talking. about what a dumpster fire. america is and blaming everyone. on the stage, trump called for. unity. >> when america is united,. america is totally unstoppable. >> stephen: okay, so right. now, totally stoppable. and after the speech, reverend. franklin graham delivered the. benediction. >> in the bible, rain is a sign. of god's blessing. and it started to rain, mr. president, when you came to. the platform. >> stephen: yeah, i've read the. bible. blessing's not exactly how noah. took it. ( cheers and applause ). yes. >> jon: a different story. >> stephen: bless you. and the lord said, "you better. build a boat because i'm going. to bless the hell out of this. place. ". so here we are. it's really happening. donald trump is officially the. president of the united states,. which means there are now all. sorts of new sentences you. can actually say and mean like. "the president of the united. states was in 'home alone 2'. ". i always thought i'd be saying. that on the first day of. president pesci's. administration. "the president of the united. states has met with dozens of. world leaders, and also the. grimace. ". and, "i sure miss george w. bush. ". we have a great show tonight. jim gaffigan is here!. stick around. .
 

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