Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #3

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Wow, compilation #3! Which short was your favorite?!
(We don't actually care... or do we)?
Tell My Wife
Totally Forgot
The Beard
The Wardrobe
Public Bathroom
Ted Bear
Put 'Em Down
Mother's Day Cake
Man's Best Friend
Cyanide and Happiness delivers daily comics to your face-hole on since 2005!
Oh that oh what alright i ah fucking sandwich we need am adding i'm heat no no no no come on come on you can't i'll be to die on me now i guess we won't get to go on that fishing trip after all don't you say that we're gonna get you out of here i'm not going to make it i'm lung shot down my wife i'm not going to make it i'm gunshot no sarge you're gonna pull through you're gonna make it you're gonna walk up to her on your own two feet right out of here and you're gonna tell her yourself and also she's standing right over there it's not far she and i have been at odds lately ever since she shot me in the loves are you sure alright i'll go tell her oh i'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but your husband is longshot he's not going to make it well you tell him that maybe after he's done dying he can clean the garage like i've asked him to i don't know a hundred times oh ok i'll go tell him sarge sarge wake up side stay with me so your wife said that when you're done dying but you should clean the garage when you child huh i would love to if she hadn't shot me in the lungs um yes sir i'll be right back i alright he said you tell him that if he's still dead by the time i get home from work i'll kill him again all right you wait right here alright sarge now she said that she's a bitch ok he says cough cough girl well you can tell him that if he doesn't get his bloody ass up off this is all your fight you absolutely the garage like you would clean the garage are you all your shopping right along i believed your hair it is something i think it is at geez i totally forgot i put a pot of coffee on hope it's still good man i forgot to start the dishwasher guess i don't have any clean mugs hmm i wonder what else i'm forgetting today oh that's right i forgot to dispose of this hot one today huh who that's an intense beard you've got going on there hey this might sound a little weird but tonight touch it i i feel oddly compelled to touch your beard wow that's so weird well what the what is this whatever whoa nice beard hey this might sound my boy by people are in grave danger and are in need of your help are you ready to go what a magical adventure yes i am then come follow me there isn't much time ha ha ha ha when like drop the bomb by an f-bomb link in the description mmm hi you didn't see me there you know why because i'm ted bear if you want to survive like me you've got to have a ship with endurance good looks and a backpack full of ingenuity i've got mine on both straps try to keep up here's the scenario you're on an international flight and the best is gone dodgy perhaps an albatross with poor eyesight is confused your plane engine for a mate and snacks right into it mac enough your once snug commute to a spiralling disaster catastrophe luckily you've left your tray table up and now you're the only survivor stuck in some godforsaken jungle it's called its money it's wet it's hot it's inconvenient and it's a bugger out of the way now the first thing you got to do is get a sense of direction a good strategy is to find the nearest river in full after a while all the walking will leave you bleed nekkid you need to find a source of food because food means carbohydrates carbohydrates mean energy energy means movement movement means survival likely their bounties of food in the wilderness you've just gotta know where to look nation we must be underneath the back injury now some of these aren't quite ready you need to climb higher to find the crispy ones ah now there's a nice ripe string you've got yourself a quarter of a complete breakfast right there time to keep moving try to keep up now we need to find some refreshments to wash it down ah what do we have here yeah it's very crucial to reach all the way in the back to get the freshest milk always always always check the expiration date on the back it's imperative to your survival i just my luck chocolate chip muffins little rice here we are and some desert island conceivably in the middle of the ocean without a map we can't be sure what we do know is that our body needs water not so fast mate this is saltwater we need to filter it into something more drinkable and now the fruit fish turn saltwater into delicious drinkable punch first you need to find the fruit appendage now you're probably thinking that there's no such thing as a fruit fish well you're right it's actually a crustacean room floor keep up yeah it trick to see live at all about it's a it's hard to catch your breath have this elevation of bogota just gotta wow man are you j yeah why you got a boner stomach oh god oh god without got one town by well where poor little guy he's been sick for so long and i feel so badly for him hot body is in so much pain i'm afraid the only option we have left is you know mm-hmm miss livingston this is an adult human being inside of an animal costume consciously that he's in pain he's my pet and it's my decision and my decision is i want to end his suffering i see and what is he's suffering from exactly well look at him i tell you this every time you come in here mrs. livingston this is your son kurt a 24 year old adult human male and i can't euthanize a 24 year old adult human male actually it's fire dash right the pyro fox from the forest planet you know you you don't understand the compliance lashes sick he's been here since he didn't hit and miss livingston call me rachel miss livingston this has been and continues to be a complete waste of my time and resources on top of the fact that this is completely unethical at this regard skirts basic human rights its fire dash my name is fired as you just don't want to live with a son who has an image of dollars one wants to live his life as a magical human dog what would you i'm a pirate not to mention the responsibilities you have is a mother his mother come on no somewhere i could live them or something come on kurt are you gonna let her treat you like this are you gonna stand up straight like a man and say i'm here i'm a magical dog boy and i don't wanna die mom i dont preach she you referring to me as a cisgender human male i'm a transgender pyro fox get out get out get out get out get out of my office fine quiet puppet soon you'll finally be free dr. murphy is ready to see you joel right this way alright if you'll just have a seat right here the dentist will be with you momentarily lol dad joe haven't seen you for a while haha you weren't afraid to come back don't worry haha jkjk we like to have fun here right joel let's see what's going on with those choppers in there open up that i won't bite and i hope you don't either yeah jk lol say ah oh wow your little city on ship are you nervous yeah this will help all right i'll be right back don't go anywhere okay okay happy mother's day bobby mothers day cakes on a thing kiddo bob she's too smart for me a good boy you are who's as star yeah you are you're such a good boy our year you i'm gonna go grab a drink you want anything from the kitchen yeah could you grab me a sauna what the fuck man don't act like i don't know what's going on keep your paws off my kool-aid understood keep it up and i'll take you to the pound and by pound i mean with my fists what i'm trying to say is fucking fight you dog gosh make room you two i'm glad that you two are getting along so well after all he's my beastie big man yes you why hmm too cute that's yet you wanna take this outside i said let's take this outside alright let's do this secret

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Category: Comedy

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