Happy New Year 2018 – Last Week Tonight John Oliver HBO Dec 31, 2017

Happy New Year 2018 - Last Week Tonight John Oliver HBO Dec 31, 2017
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Hello there youtube i'm john oliver last . week tonight is still not quite back on . the air and yet i'm still popping up . here occasionally to ruin everybody's . holidays why why because by now everyone . is probably sick of them . chanukah has come and gone christmas . just passed and as everyone knows right . now we're just wrapping up kwanzaa and . if you celebrate any of those holidays . you're undoubtedly exhausted if you . celebrate all of them your last name . probably has several hyphens in it . but tonight brings a holiday that unites. all of us no matter our religious . background or ethnicity and it unites . our seem hating it and that's new year's . eve new year's eve is like the death of. a pet you know it's going to happen but . somehow you're never really prepared for . how truly awful it is new year's eve is . the worst it combines three of the least . pleasant things known to mankind . forced interaction with strangers being. drunk cold and tired and having to stare . at ryan seacrest for five solid minutes . why do you think i tell you what the . time is the best thing you can do is . avoid the whole evening and to do that . you're going to need some excellent and . specific excuses and this is where we . come in so first here's a scenario let's . say you have a friend who just got . divorced and wants to hang out and do . some guy stuff this is a tricky one . because guy stuff as we all know is code . for strip clubs and you should . absolutely not spend new year's eve in a . strip club. unless ebola goes airborne and the only . cure is glitter that's the only that's . the only appropriate moment to do that . so what you need to do tell your friends . that your cousin paul smecker . has suddenly become ill and that he . needs some of your bones iams now . clearly none of that's true . bones i'm czar a thing i just made up . and paul smecker is the name of willem . dafoe's character in the boondock saints. and if your friend knows that offhand . cut him out of your life forever . that's a terrible movie either way . you're free okay so um. second scenario let's say you've been . invited to a party at a friend's house . obviously you don't want to go . that's a 5-hour commitment if you leave . at 12:01 think of it it's why do you . really want to sit on your friend's . sulfur and watch hummus turn brown all. night no nobody does so here's the trick . and this actually works for everything . new year's eve parties it works for bar. mitzvahs wakes it works for everything. simply tell them you're doing a cleanse . now true here's a thing yes you're right . that's not technically an excuse but the . beauty is there will be no follow-up . questions because nobody wants to hear . about your fucking claims nobody lastly . lastly if you're invited out on a girls . night i can't really help you and i'll . tell you why i've never been asked to . join a girls night which i think is . because i'm such a samantha and women . are intimidated by my energy that's what . i'm guessing but what i'm saying what . i'm saying is the best way to celebrate . the spirit of new year's eve is by lying . the first line of auld lang syne should . be should auld acquaintance be forgot. and there's no better way of doing that . than completely blowing off all your . friends and family and if you do this . right you will be in bed on new year's . eve and 11:45 after watching all five . die hard movies happy new year to all of . you we will be back in 2015 . hello there i'm john oliver host of last . week tonight we are off the air this . week because to boost ratings on hbo. i plan to murder and dismember a friend . of mine that's how it works now anyway . anyway i think this season this season . [applause]. anyway this season we've covered the . tobacco industry voting rights in the . american territories and our country's. infrastructure but right now i'd like to . talk about a serious problem april . fool's day april fool's day is to comedy . as st. patrick's day is to irish culture . that is to say it is a mockery of the . very concepts that usually ends in a . fistfight but you may not know that . april fool's day was actually invented . by fdr in 1934 as a way to raise . national morale during the great . depression april fool that's not true at . all i made it up you trusted me and i've . betrayed that trust i've betrayed you . is it portrayal that felt didn't well . now i want you to sit in that terrible . feeling for a moment because he won't be . laughing on the outside but on the . inside admit it you were sad well first . of all welcome to my brave second of all . i'm sorry i did that to you that was a . prank and pranks are terrible anyone who . claims to be excited for april fool's . day is probably a sociopath because what . they're really saying is i cannot wait . to hurt the people close to me i can't . wait and and if you want to break your . family's hearts don't play a mean trick . on them just ask them for money for . another improv class do it done and you . can do that any time of year and you . will shatter them now not to mention we . don't need a special holiday to . disappoint our loved ones we do that . enough on every other holiday by . accident okay now no . when are you going to yell christmas . fools and give me my real presence this . sweater is an abomination but that being . said i want to help you have the best . april fools day ever so close close your . eyes right now do it close them and . visualize the greatest practical joke . you can possibly imagine and now never . do that thing you thought of ever don't . even tell anyone you've thought of it . you're a monster in fact in fact let's . do this properly everyone watching this . please raise your right hand and take . the last week tonight no prank pledge . repeat after me i solemnly swear that on . this april fool's day i will not post a . fake engagement photo on facebook like . some kind of asshole . normal life perpetual ate a celebrity . death hoax because that makes people sad . in fact i will not play any practical . jokes and if i see someone planning a . prank i will say to them hey you're . being a dick right now stop being a dick . we'll go back we go back we'll go back . say to them hey you're being a dick . right now stop being a dick stop being a . dick seriously stop being a dick thank . you very much for taking the last week . tonight no prank pledge hopefully with . your support we can restore the original . meaning of april the first the day we . traditionally look at our calendars and . think oh shit i really have to do my . taxes. [applause]. hello there i'm john oliver host of last . week tonight we're off this week for the . 4th of july but i wanted to make a video . to wish everyone a happy independence . day or if they call it where i'm from . july the 4th and that's it i do hope you . have a great day of resting barbecuing . and preparing to explain your weird tan . lines to your co-workers on tuesday . i fell asleep outside with my hat on . backwards and now my forehead looks like . a sunset but i just like to take a quick . moment to remind you of what you're . missing out on by celebrating your . independence because as you know since . 1776 you've done very well as a nation . but it might be worth thinking about . just a handful of things that you gave . up when kicking britain unceremoniously . out of this country . because first there's the matter of your . accents these beautiful vowel sounds . could have been yours but instead. instead from sea to shining sea . you speak like you just burnt your . tongue on a hot apple pie you are also . missing out on bowler hats which are . perfect for dressing your head like an . circumcised velvet penis and that is not . even mentioning all the cuisine that you . lost. for example meats pies which are a lot . like british people themselves a . hardened outer layer gives the. impression of composure but under the . surface it's just a hot fucking mess but . the thing that americans are really . missing out on is pessimism americans . are optimistic people who believe the . sky is the limit. whereas in britain we are painfully. aware of our limits in fact just look at . the british sky itself even the sun is . incapable of asserting itself their . british people never make the mistake of . developing self-esteem because no matter . what we achieve deep down we know we'll . never be as good as the queen which is . to say an elderly woman who frowns for a . living so just take a moment on this . july the 4th to think about all that you . left behind and i think you'll realize . honestly you are probably way better off . the way that things are thank you so . much for watching this so do enjoy your . holiday we'll be back on hbo with a new . episode on july 24 goodbye hello there . i'm john oliver host of hbo's last week . tonight basically ballers for week . insecure people we are off this week but . tomorrow is labor day which incidentally . is something that you can call your . child's birthday if you really want to . make it all about you happy labor day . landon today marks of seven years since . my body has never been the same again . enjoy your cake we are all familiar with . the rule that you shouldn't wear white . after labor day which is much easier for . some people to follow than for others . gwyneth but but honestly we should be. using more holidays as arbitrary points . to stop doing things for instance we . should have a rule that after. thanksgiving. you have to stop decorating your home . with gourds it's cute in october it's . acceptable but obnoxiously focusing in. november but after that you're just . keeping loose produce lying around it's . not better than adorning your front . porch with a bunch of watermelons and . carrot sticks also no drinking eggnog . after december 31st because if you start . your calendar year by consuming a. beverage wit
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