Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL

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With the FBI listening in, Michael Cohen (Ben Stiller) fields calls from Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin), Rudy Giuliani (Kate McKinnon), Melania Trump (Cecily Strong), Ivanka Trump (Scarlett Johansson) and Jared Kushner (Jimmy Fallon) and Stormy Daniels.
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[ cheers and applause ]. [ phone dialing ]. [ ringing ]. >> yello. it's donald trump. who this . >> it's michael cohen. god, i miss you so much. >> oh, hey, what's up, amigo. how you holding up in prison . >> i'm not in prison. >> oh, well, give it a couple of. weeks. >> mr. trump, we're in big. trouble. i think they know about our. allusion-cay and obstruction of. justice-jay. >> sorry, i don't want speak. spanish. wait, are you on a secure line . >> absolutely. i dialed star-86 before the. number, so it's completely. untraceable. mr. trump, i don't want know. what to do!. you keep changing your story on. the stormy daniels payment. >> look, let's get rudy giuliani. on the phone. he'll fix this. he's got the sharpest legal mind. since "my cousin vinnie. ". >> okay, but just to be safe,. let me call you back on one of. my burner phones. >> wait, you kept the burner. phones . that's not good. [ dialing ]. [ ringing ]. [ cheers and applause ]. >> yes, hello, this is dr. harold bornstein. would you like to know any of my. patients' medical history . >> hey, man, i'm sorry. i tried to dial trump, donald,. but i dialed trump doctor. >> is this you, michael cohen . michael, i'm glad you called. someone broke into my office and. stole my files. i guess you could say i was. raped!. >> i don't think you can say. that. >> well, i already did. raped!. >> all right. can we talk about this later . >> no. i'm -- i'm busy later. i'm kidding. i have zero commitments. personally or professionally. but if you ever want to do. drugs, i can get you all the. drugs. >> all right. i'll call you back, harold. good-bye. >> all right. okay, i'll just be sitting here. in my office, where i live. bye!. [ dialing ]. >> hello . >> hey -- rudy . is that you . >> yes. that's right. it's me. [ cheers and applause ]. >> rudy. rudy giuliani, trump's lawyer. and his worst nightmare. >> look, rudy, can we speak. freely . are you alone . >> yeah, yeah, i'm pretty much. alone. this is a commercial break,. right, toots. >> no. >> okay, yeah, we're good to. talk. we're good to talk. >> all right. let me loop in mr. trump. all right. is everyone on . >> yes. >> all right. guys, can we please just decide. on one lie and stick to it . because our stories are all over. the place. >> guys, hold that thought. i'm getting a call from work. >> mr. president, i have lost. all credibility. did you lie to me about the. stormy daniels affair . >> yeah, that sounds like. something i would do. >> okay, good!. just as long as we're on the. same page. i'm good to go. see you monday. >> okay, i'm back. >> hey, guys, guys, can we hurry. this up. i'm supposed to do 25 more talk. show appearances today and i'm. trying to make it like an advent. calendar, you know, where i. reveal one new crime on each. show, so. >> hey, i'm getting another. call. hang on. >> hello, michael . it's melania. >> oh, hey, melania!. i was just talking to donald. about --. >> oh, uh, listen, i have a. completely hypothetical question. for a friend of mine, okay . if your husband is accused of. crime, would she have to testify. against him . >> no. >> but could she . if she want to . >> i guess she could. >> oh, my friend will be so. happy. thank you, michael. >> okay. wait. which phone was mr. trump on . hello . >> yeah, this is omarosa and i'm. still pissed off!. >> nope. hello . >> hi, there, stranger. what's your name . >> mike pence . >> who is this . i was told this was a party line. with no questions asked. >> i -- i got to call you back. >> uh --. >> hello . >> yes, this is ivanka and. jared. [ cheers and applause ]. >> hi. hi. hello. >> michael, did we hear giuliani. call jared "disposable" on. national television . because jared is furious. >> yeah, man, i'm like what the. hell, i'm so mad right now. you don't even want to see me. i could cut a bitch. don't even try to cover for me,. okay . >> you know, ivanka, your dad. would do anything to protect. you, but if he needs to, he. would throw jared under the bus. in a heartbeat. >> what'd he say . >> he said you're fine. >> you know, i'll talk to you. later. >> mr. trump . >> where the hell were you,. michael . i don't have time to wait on. hold. i'm supposed to be meeting with. my new chief strategist, kanye. west. >> then what do you want me to. do . >> call up stormy daniels and. fix this once and for all. maybe keep me on the phone, too. i'll just be quiet and listen. [ cheers and applause ]. >> michael . >> stormy . this is michael cohen. are you alone . >> yes. >> and what are you wearing . >> excuse me . >> okay michael, i can take it. from here. >> okay, but as your attorney, i. highly advise against you --. >> so, what up, girl . >> hello, donald. >> come on, stormy, stop making. such a big deal about this. everyone knows it's just an act. >> i work in a adult films. we're not really known for our. acting. >> just tell me, what do you. need for this to all go away . >> a resignation. >> yeah, right. being president is like doing. porn. once you do it, it's hard to do. anything else. besides, my poll numbers are. finally up. and speaking of "polls" being. up -- oh, come on, we'll always. have shark week. i solved north and south korea. why can't i solve us . >> sorry, donald. it's too late for that. i know you don't believe in. climate change, but a. a-coming, baby. >> i've never been so scared and. so horny at the same time. and live from new york, it's. saturday night!. [ cheers and applause ]. .
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