Stephen Goes Live After Trump’s State Of The Union

An hour after Trump's State of the Union, Stephen delivered his State of the State of the Union.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
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Caption: Welcome to "the late show. ". ladies and gentlement, i'm your. host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ). you can feel that. you can feel that. that's amazing-- that's--. that's-- only a live show is. like that, right there. ( cheers and applause ). that's it. because the truth slook at that,. we are-- we are live right now,. and barely conscious following a. 90-minute speech. there were some bright spots in. this speech. there were really some. heartwarming moments. some amazing people there were. in the gallery. congressman steve scalise, who. survived an attack on that. softball field. a police. officer who saved a baby, a. young boy who's putting flags on. soldiers' graves, and families. who have gone through. unspeakable tragedies. honestly, some of the most. beautiful, most impressive. americans you could imagine. and the president was there,. too. ( laughter ). going into this, going into the. evening, the bar, the bar for. success was pretty low, okay. he just had to stay on script,. no matter what. and he did, which was. impressive, considering. everything democrats did to. distract him. there he is. now, go to the other angle, jim. that's not fair. that's not fair. here's one unusual thing we. found out right before the. speech-- the first lady travel. to the speech in a separate car. i guess melania didn't want. anything from the burger king. drive-through. i could go for some onion rings. but when the president entered,. the cameras caught melania. looking radiantly. happy . the night began with one huge. surprise-- trump was able to. lift a glass with one hand!. ( cheers and applause ). as part-- at the beginning of. the speech, he listed some of. the natural disasters we've. endured this year. >> we have endured floods and. fires and storms. >> stephen: and stormys!. don't forget her. ( laughter ). she was one of the most. expensive disasters for you,. personally. and he reached out to those. still recovering. >> to everyone still recovering. in texas, florida, louisiana,. puerto rico, and the virgin. islands-- everywhere-- we are. with you, we love you, and we. always will pull through. together, always. >> stephen: that is going to be. a comforting message to people. of puerto rico, once they have. electricity to turn on their. tvs. ( cheers and applause ). still a million people, right . a million people in puerto rico. still don't have power. and he followed up on that inn. separational tone. >> if there is a mountain, we. climb it. if there is a frontier, we cross. it. if there is a challenge, we tame. it. if there is an opportunity, we. seize it. >> stephen: "if there's a. burger, we eat it. ( laughter ). if there is a porn star, we bone. it. ( laughter ). if there's an immigrant, we. deport it. if there's an investigation, we. undermine it. ". ( laughter ). ( cheers and applause ). "i believe that. i believe that with all. whatever's in here. ". and he boasted about creating. minority jobs. >> african-american unemployment. stands at the lowest rate. ever recorded. >> stephen: well, there was one. time when african american. unemployment was at zero, but. only half of trump's base wants. to go back there. bit-- i said half!. -- but-- with stats like that,. you have to imagine african. american leaders must have been. pretty impressed. and i stand corrected. all right, my mistake. the speech was a huge hit with. republicans. just look how excited mitch. mcconnell was. actually, that's not fair. i believe we do have footage of. mcconnell more excited. ( laughing ). >> stephen: so happy!. so happy!. just dancing a shoe!. just dancing with a shoe. he'll find cinderella. eventually. ( laughter ). and trump took time to boast. about his new tax plan. >> to lower tax rates for. hardworking americans, we nearly. doubled the standard deduction. for everyone. ( applause ). now the first $24,000 earned by. a married couple is completely. tax-free. >> stephen: a benefit trump will. be enjoying for a few more. weeks, at least. once again, once again-- who. knows. they'll make it to april 15. once again, he inspired with his. soaring words. >> all of us together as one. team, one people, and one. american family can do anything. >> stephen: yes, "one" american. family can do anything: promote. your shoe brand, use your. relationship to the president to. sell real estate in china--. anything. plus, plus--. ( applause ). yes. give it up for the trumps. give it up. family values. plus, he went to an old american. favorite:. >> we all share the same home,. the same heart, the same. destiny, and the same great. american flag. >> stephen: really . because down in charlottesville. i saw your supporters carrying. two other flags. ( laughter ). i'm pretty sure. i saw that. i saw that, didn't i . >> jon:. ? yeah, i saw it ?. >> stephen: one of them had a. spider on it or something. i'm not sure. if. but trump gave it up for the. american way. >> in america, we know that. faith and family, not government. and bureaucracy, are the center. of the american life. ( applause ). our motto is "in god we trust. ". >> stephen: yes, that's the. first half. the second half is "oh, god,. make this stop. ". and i pray-- i pray, lord. what did we do . we're sorry. and he touted his fossil fuel. energy policy. >> we have ended the war on. american energy, and we have. ended the war on beautiful,. clean coal. >> stephen: "god, it is so. beautiful. that coal has a high, tight,. saa. i tell you, if i weren't burning. it, i might be dating it. ". but circ seriously, seriously,. sir--. war on clean coal . you can't start or end a war on. something that doesn't exist. "soon we'll end the wars on. sasquatches, unicorns, and. moderate republicans. ". ( cheers and applause ). "anybody find one . did you find one . no . put down a little trap with,. like, a muffin in it. ". ? ? ?. the president then renewed--. thank you, jon-- renewed his. attack on government workers. >> so tonight, i call on the. congress to empower every. cabinet secretary with the. authority to reward good workers. and to remove federal employees. who undermine the public trust. or fail the american people. >> stephen: whoever they are,. be they the director or the. assistant director of the f. b. i,. even a specialprosecutor-- out. ". >> jon: oh, wow, wow. >> stephen: you know i'm. imitating him, right . ( laughter ). we're all-- we're all friends. here. i think. for now. and he hit one of his favorite. themes on healthcare. >> one of my greatest priorities. is to reduce the price of. prescription drugs. >> stephen: oh, good. drugs would have really have. helped me get through this. speech. and he called-- as we knew he. would, as we knew he would. drugs!. we love drugs!. and he called for more jobs,. jobs, jobs. >> we want every american to. know the dignity of a hard. day's work. >> stephen: "then they can tell. me about it when i get home from. golf. i hear eye hear great things. about work. ". and he laid out-- he laid out--. he laid out what americans. deserved. >> americans love their country,. and they deserve a government. that shows them the same love. and loyalty in return. >> stephen: "and if their. government isn't that loyal. with their love, they get. $130,000 to keep quiet about. it. ". i'm not sure, does the love--. allegedly, allegedly. and he looked back on his. administration's work over the. past year. >> for the last year, we have. sought to restore the bonds of. trust between our citizens and. their government. >> stephen: well, better luck. next year. ( laughter ). but, in that vein, trump did try. to unify. >> so tonight, i am extending an. open hand. >> stephen: god, women!. get out of there!. run for your lives!. open hand. ( cheers and applause ). and trump lauded his immigration. policies as good for everyone. >> struggling communities,. especially immigrant. communities, will also be helped. by immigration policies that. focus on the best interests of. american workers and american. families. >> stephen: yes, trump. understands the problem facing. struggling immigrant. communities: too many. immigrants . i don't. let's move on. ( laughter ). and he outlined just who he. doesn't want in america. >> under the current broken. system, a single immigrant can. bring in virtually unlimited. numbers of distant relatives. ( boos ). under our plan, we focus on the. immediate family. >> stephen: yeah, boo. families . i'm not sure, but i think. trump's immigration plan is hot. singles only!. and he spoke--. >> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: he spoke-- some. single people here tonight. some hot singles in the house. ( cheers and applause ). waiting for your call. and he spoke of threats around. the world. >> around the world, we face. rogue regimes, terrorist groups,. and rivals like china and russia. that challenge our interests,. our economy, and our values. >> stephen: "and we will stop. them anyway we can, except. implementing the russia. sanctions you guys voted for. hi, vlad. ". ( laughter ). "i killed it. i killed the whole thing, 98-2,. i cut it. ". but he spoke out strongly. against terrorist actors. >> terrorists who do things. like place bombs in civilian. hospitals are evil. >> stephen: where does he find. the courage to call people who. bomb hospitals evil . truly, today, donald trump. became president of the united. states. ( applause ). and he got tough with the. terrorists. >> when possible, we have no. choice but to annihilate them. when necessary, we must be able. to detain and question them. >> stephen: you know, after we. annihilate them. ( laughter ). that's our motto: annihilate. first, realize we can't ask dead. guys questions later. and he spoke to america's. colonial past. >> it was that same yearning for. freedom that nearly . years ago gave birth to a. special place called america. it was a small cluster of. colonies caught between a great. ocean and a vast wilderness. >> stephen: "with no people in. it. just waiting for real estate. developers. okay. i don't know why the arapaho. didn't put up condos. beautiful land. could have put up a casino. then. ". of course, trump did not mention. the russia investigation. he hopes that goes away. but, i mean, even if the. president and his campaign aides. members of his family,. were convicted of conspiracy. with a hostile foreign power,. where would we send them . >> in many cases, for them, it. will now be guantanamo bay. >> stephen: oh, good. at least he's got a plan. we have a great show for you. tonight. .
 

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