Everything Wrong With Cars 3 In 14 Minutes Or Less

While loads better than Cars 2, Cars 3 is still not a good movie, and whatever is good about it was already covered in the first movie anyway. Here be its sins.
Thursday: More 2017 animated sins.
Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!
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45 seconds of logos okay . here we go focus speed i am speed movie . that goes back to the first film's . opening because it doesn't have anything . original to say also narration one . winner forty two losers this is the same . opening as the first movie - the show . crow that is for each area of this film . that used unreleased posthumous audio. for this character each of paul newman . salad dressings receives one cents . putting your movie title on a jumbotron . is cute but kiss-cam still plays better . with crowds of all sports wow i realized . that it's pointless to start arguing yet . again how the hell works in this world . of talking cars if one car pulls in . between two cars like this it's pretty. much gonna come up right i mean this is . their physical body their skin it . essentially and this chris just . squeezing right in between them probably . doing damage to the equivalent of major . organs just so he can watch a race . pretty sure cars for was going to be . about how cow has had enough that. becomes a serial killer hey bobby . he's a next-generation race car . inexplicably voiced by armie hammer . better than you in every way but somehow . he was built added to the circuit and . enrolled in this race without you ever . hearing about him or the media even . knowing he existed until now who is this . mysterious newcomer jackson starr and . why is he so mysterious given his . existence represents a massive leap . forward in racing technology also naming . lightnings main antagonist storm is just . the amount of lazy i expect from disney . these days. jackson's storm is part of the next . generation of high-tech racers unlike . the veterans of yesterday know what . old-timers like this guy cars three get . off my lawn . storm achieves his top speeds by . exploiting the numbers i refer of course . to racing data moneyball we've got six . or next generation rookies in the field . this is as good a time as any for me to . once again ask where these fucking cars . come from factories are they fitted with. personalities in a factory did two. former race cars have sex and create a . more advanced race car they're treated . like individual people but this whole . next-gen nonsense suggests that they're . just machines being created by some . big-ass god car in the sky. whether he's hanging up his lightyears. no no comment on that either good a . bunch of the pixar creative staff get . together and decide that doing a movie . about retirement and getting older was . what the kids today wanted to see there . was more life and up which is a movie . that has an old retired guy as the lead . character thankfully when doc died it . was discovered his will specified that . any of the town's folk could enter his . garage and watch his old racing films . for inspiration your history movie pans . out its run time which is already too . long with archival footage of the paul . newman character just waiting for a cgi . grand moff tarkin to pop up randomly . again why because i'm sad and in doc's. garage staring at old doc racing news. clippings you can either take it or you . can do what you've been doing sitting . aren't they always in the same position . so couldn't you argue that they're . always sitting because problem with the . cars universe is that the dialogue is . full of humanistic expressions that. don't fit into the parameters of their . universe i get that after the reception . of the second cars movie the creators . wisely realize that less mater is better . however couldn't they have tried no . mater i'm gonna be faster than storm i . need to train like them now you need to . be rebuilt to have 2% lower drag . coefficient and 1. 2 percent higher top . speed he's literally better than you in . every way and you already use that turn . right to go left thing in the first. movie so you cannot win it's impossible . that's primus. [applause]. [music]. instead of life as a highway by rascal . flatts this movies driving montage gives . us this knoxville. really you couldn't just drive through . regular old real last knoxville on your . way from colorado to florida this is the . most unnecessary fictional name since. mr. tonka penis luigi and guido might be . the most culturally insensitive set of. autonomous robots since skids and. mudflap things we previously could not . track apparently i have the next gen . plastic wrap pink job if you want to . track a resource pede does it have a . phone i mean but they do write basically . every tio's to their pit crew and . dismiss phone just because it doesn't . literally cover all the cars audio . capabilities multi million how much good . rusty's have been worth you can use . anything negative as fuel to push . through to the positive blog like the . flu chronic psoriasis or feline aids . [music]. character insists he's not going to do . something only to do said something in . the next scene cliche no it should not . this is the first movie all over again . someone's trying to help him but . lightning it's too stubborn to realize . it and accept that help i feel like . every time someone at pixar brought this . up during pre-production they were . shouted down by a suddenly operating . group of disney accountants singing a . barbershop version of pink floyd's money. did she say barrier shark you have so . the simulator has a response setup if . you crash into it how was it even still . functioning you are about to become the . biggest brand in racing we are talking. saturation on all continents for every . demographic movie deals infomercials . product endorsements nice at pixar to . include a scene that pretty much sums up . the only reason cars 3 was made get your . tires dirty that's how you're gonna get. faster than stories . [music]. i don't ask a lot from my sentient . automobile cartoons but i do ask them to . stay away from terrible dialogue and . sacred dirt usually i get my wish your . brittle like a fossil he is a machine . just fix and/or upgrade him well life's . a beach and then you drive . oh okay cars three recycles the wall-e . joke about the apple boot-up noise that . was only kind of cute in wall-e hey boys . my speed can he not see the speedometer . because his eyes are in front of the . dash in the windshield can't really . think of a reason why a car sentient or . not would ever need to ask this question . to someone else is this movie about . training crews or mcqueen wait i just . realize how this movie's gonna end . also cars 3 is competing with rocky 4 . for being over 60% montages . [music]. well i'm no racing expert and much has . been made about the power of dirt on the . tires but maybe you should speed check. yourself on asphalt instead of sand. surface does make a difference you know . might be the first ever instance of the . street sign x not gonna sin that's what . i need to race against actual racers you . need 10 to 15 more miles per hour speed . you are not going to get it through . motivation i mean you probably will. eventually because this movie hates me. but you should not get it through . motivation this entire movie is. happening when they could have just . given him a new engine or something nos . [music]. unless it rains or the mud flies off. while he's racing but semantics yep. lightning entered a small crazy eight . track race without knowing it because . this movie has you by the balls also no . way and he can test his top speed on . this track fyi so basically he entered a . race and vigilante 8 i wonder how many . audience members shared the same . sentiment 10 minutes into this movie . goddamn shit bitch yet i'd like to ask . our editors brad and chris totally . different chris by the way to find a . transparent png of a middle finger being. flipped and add it to the next couple . seconds of the movie footage while also . animating it with keyframes to slide . back and forth across the screen like a . windshield wiper okay . that's the i'm talking about them right . off the bat the school bus and rv . keeping up with lightning is bull i'm . glad this extended and utterly useless . country track racine found time for yet . another callback to the first movie okay . it's not rain but i'm still right also. other than wait why would a former water . truck have water in its tank school bus . doesn't have kids in it the rv doesn't . have robin williams in it this should . actually be against the rules whatever . we need lightning to be exposed so what . shall be usually every mile of this trip . was to get me faster than jackson's . storm i can't get any faster because i'm . too busy taking care of my trainer but . you chose all the destinations bro from . the beach to the country dirt track race . bitch now cruz is just more selfish . behavior will just become the norm for . you god lightning mcqueen may be the . biggest dick of a protagonist in the . history of film ever because of you . because of him . really he's a selfish dickhead he won a . lot sure but this is like wanting to . become an nfl player because of tom . brady i used to watch you on tv flying . through the air was he on pole vaulting . with the car stars why would he be . flying through the air during a car race . being small crews that's what my family . used to say dream small or not at all . cruz's family is a dicta cruz i just . left it was my one shot and i didn't . take it well something tells me this bag . of cliches movie will give you that. chance to race you thought was gone . forever. lightning needs ten to 15 more miles per . hour to win this race so naturally he. calls mater for moral support . that's just it mater i don't know i feel . like i'm all out of ideas pixar's new . slogan what i don't know. pretty sure an early screenplay a . meeting interaction just made it into . the script i'm sorry . some people actually like this movie hey . cruz you want to check out the home . track of the greatest racer ever why not . we've got 40 mo
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