Everything Wrong With Gnomeo & Juliet

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Can you believe they made another one of these things? Anyway... with the new one coming soon, we went looking for sins in the first one and... found a metric ton of them. So many sins.
Thursday: Adventure/Mystery sins.
Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!
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[music]. seriously this movie opens with a . soundless touchstone pictures logo then . after the second logo features eight. straight seconds of black sucker is . actively trying to make meeting . something's wrong with the blu-ray the . story you are about to see has been told . before a lot . nirisha unfortunately before we begin . there is a rather long boring prologue . which i will read to you now . you mean longer and more boring er than . already this play on to be or not to be . is qatar but it represents the . high-water mark for the humor in this . movie so i'm sitting the fact that it's . all downhill from here. why is okay if these two hate each other . this much wouldn't i just wait til the . other left so they didn't have to see . them i mean i look around a good three . minutes when i venture out to get the . mail just to make sure i don't . accidentally partake in human contact . considering the contextual clues i'm . placing this in england meaning team red . is the one driving on the wrong side of . the road and i'm now firmly on team . monta blue also crazy complicated color . coordination clearly created to convey a . contentious character combat. conveniently right why is the sprinkler. loom so upset here isn't this her sole . purpose in the garden yes you definitely. signed up to see an old as known dressed . in a borat style onesie thong when you. decided this was the best use of your . monthly weekend with your kids why are . so many of these assholes upset about . their central functions little-known . fact this snail abuse officially started . the snail gnome wars eventually . resulting in the mysterious deaths of . blue pock and biggie snails and also . resulting in the 2013 classic turbo make . up your mind movie earlier characters . couldn't separate themselves from the . props so why can't it just get off that . wheelbarrow the no lick maneuver all . those lose our act is a game that's blue . sister and the first of many times i . could make out that's racist bone in . this movie why does it take juliet's so . long to come to life i mean the rest of . these fuckers have been running around . for several minutes that tree was your . father's pride and joy wow miss montague . seriously has a toilet with a tree . growing out of it right now your art is . this suburban englander rural alabama . also much like a cars movie i'm forced . to consider how these gnomes procreate . do they have sex organs we hear them . clink against each other throughout the. movie so how would bumping uglies work. without breaking on i know my chores . edging trimming planting okay so in this . universe the garden gnomes maintain the. front yard fine . but we've seen that the humans aren't . aware of their sentience so . how did they think all that gets done . are they paying a dude named brent to do . lawn maintenance and he's just pocketing. that cash when i'm doing she brent what . an asshole. so rather than watching and trying to . catch her you're hiding your face from . your oncoming daughter shrapnel someone . just lost their shot at the better . gnomes and gardens father of the year . award that me could i'm not dead cut . precocious young female is held back by. the man until she proves that she should . be allowed to kick ass and an animated . kids movie cliche she's definitely not . delicate delicate hmm i'll show him . who's delicate man i delicate hope . delicate all this delicate repetition. delicate doesn't ellicott have any. delicate impact delicate on my delicate. writing delicate from this delicate. point delicate on delicate did they just . say thibault go just so they could rhyme . with no meow that's the lamest rhyming . i've heard since the summer of 99 when . lfo tried to rhyme hornet with sonic . movie you get bally freakin parton to . voice apart and this is all you give her . and her character's name is dolly gnome. did she intimidate all the creativity . out of you geez the first seven minutes . of this movie features several elton . john songs and here i thought kingsman 2 . was the most egregious use of his music . they've been racing in a straight line . for quite a while now . so are they like in wales at this point. wait his wheels connected to england . damn i don't know about the uk also zero . humans in the adjacent homes noticed . this very loud lawnmower chase damn it . not every animated movie is required to. have one of these slo-mo reaction shots . damnit so far we have objects coming . alive from toy story . the daughter won't play her role from . brave and now lightnings jump over the. car finished from cars only eight . minutes in and i think i've already won . my game but pixar bingo . seriously what driver actually runs into . a fucking lawnmower it doesn't even slow . down shroom let's go kick some grass . nope not even having the animated . mushroom shaking its head at this . ridiculous plan excuses it from being in . the script but wouldn't the fish be able . to swim the gnomes are moving all sorts. of limbs and the frog jumps around like . she's a rubber chicken so why does the . fish have a case of early onset rigor . mortis i'm hoping juliet's rod robbery . here is some kind of feminist commentary . but i'm also probably asking way too . much of the slapdash shakespearean . knockoff junk in the trunk even if the . garden denizens picked up english from . hearing the. capulets talk when the hell with this . phrase ever be used by a wrinkly old . english dude unless his name is piers . morgan i'm thinking of a movie it's one . word and starts with spider we would . have also accepted 2004 spider mm . spiders and 2010 spider hole first off . where the hell did these lasers come . from they definitely didn't dissuade . nanette from bouncing all over the yard . a minute ago second off why the hell . didn't this much pink security i know . they're in a feud with the montagues but . there's like holes in the fence that . they could get through hiding things . behind a fence only works if it's a. solid fence at least according to my . neighbors indecent exposure suit right i . love oh great this is all leading to . noam dick jokes isn't it this goes on . for so long that i'm actively rooting . for tibble to use his heaviest rock on . this little asshole but you're standing . right next to them this works . wheelbarrowing also i was doing this any . better wouldn't capulet know he never . had a strange wheelbarrow known . especially one that's blue in an allred . yard sure maybe the spring from the . laundry line would get no me over the . fence but he's like 30 feet about the . house. what kind of juiced up elastic is in . these boxers ain't like the man slender . thing john again is this gnomeo and . juliet or the lion king . luckily for the visibility of the scene . juliet waited for a bruce almighty moon . before she pulled her stunt damn dude i . know she's unknown but upskirting is. upskirting . this heart-shaped flower is also the . color purple which is red and blue . together because you should never settle . for one layer of obvious symbolism when . you can beat the audience over the head . with two also i know this symbolizes the . meet-cute but wise gnomeo even reaching . for this flower we had no knowledge of . it until this very moment . who's your gnomey whose you know me whoa . who's you know me now i'm not kidding . including the obligatory shakespeare . credit there are 16 goddamn writers on . this movie and this dialogue is what we . ended up with is any of this movement . possible within the laws of physics you . ask movie qa in physics it's about . genomes movie replies just can't be . love this over dramatic monologue from a . minor character goes on for so long that . i have expected the frog to be voiced by . kevin hart how did these two clans . avoided each other for many years then . why is it so goddamn easy to get in and . out of the gates i wish i could picture . myself so 10 minutes ago here to go full . camo and sneak over the fence and dodge . lasers to get in here but now he just . wants us in at full volume even after . security orders the code red. not only does it take forever for any of . the gnome leadership to notice this . gregarious light show it doesn't awaken. a single human you look like a fun guy . terrible pun notwithstanding i'm pretty . sure this means she wants to fuck that . mushroom sweet sorrow wait gnomeo had to . use some sort of contraption to release . the latch at the gate door so how does . nanette do it so easily but don't . leaving the ground how could she do this . to tibbets wishing well this is an . excellent question since even if these . two despise each other it's extremely . unlikely that a geriatric neighbor would . sneak into capulets garden and tag is. yard art okay so if the gnomes are . cleaning this graffiti off after . capulets sees it how does he think it . gets done one of the rules in this . between universe yeah yeah yeah we get . it the banana is a play on apple but . it's a lazy one where's the bite out of . it why is it yellow instead of lit up . where's the planned obsolescence and the . overpriced replacements the nsa is your . ruby too short to be considered . feature-length but you've run out of . animation money don't worry just do a . three-minute unnecessary montage of. gnome self care but without rendering . any backgrounds for it sure the spell . will feel like nothing else in the . entire movie and completely out of place . but at least it'll make the movie seem . longer and cheaper it's a 1950s . mcalister range one of the most annoying . parts of this movie is the fact that the . gnomes have a tremendous amount of . real-world knowledge with no explanation . for how they could possibly obtain it . casual breaking and entering is . extremely casual why are they coughing. therefore being gnomes damn it i don't . have lungs guys will be stupid you know . what it's like to be
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