Everything Wrong With Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

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There's a new Tomb Raider movie coming soon. You know what that means... the sin-searchers go back to the original film. Boy oh boy are there sins in this thing!
Thursday: Give you one guess.
Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!
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All in favor of prohibiting all future . movies from starting with a giant . eyeball cliche please say aye . or not i did i miss a row of judges . somewhere why is this upside down hang . and dismount so elaborate it doesn't . seem to serve any practical purpose and. there's not a single person around to . impress just slide down the damn rope . lure dead sprint or not did she just run . for like three seconds and then decide . to saunter is that the same artifact we . saw earlier yet it's in a completely. different room then why edit it in . earlier we shouldn't see it till she . does write praised creepy computerized . contraption can't course-correct current . cropped cropped coordinates classic good . to see the robot was at least programmed . with an acute sense of dramatic timing . robot who punches through solid walls . now too weak to out arm russell angelina . jolie seriously i've seen breadsticks . with more girth than her arms there is . no possible way this robot can see this . but editors gotta edit i guess . apparently we were watching this movie . in tutorial mode all this time also this . was training isn't there a way to train . without destroying your entire facility . in your discount iron giant was it . programmed to stop before it took my . head off oh well and that would be a . yeah no someone went to the syndrome . school of testing things you said make . it more challenging are you kidding me . all she had to do was say stop when you . have a safe word it's all the exact same . level of challenging as in not live . rounds again oh simon my favorite part . of any installment of the tomb raider . video game franchise is the 1980s sitcom . running joke rapport between laura and . bryce considering bryce's ability to . construct an immortal robot his talents . seemed to be wasted in his current. scenario of appealing to the quirks of . people that are stupid rich no one . showers like this except in movies and. herbal essence commercials at this point . i'm honestly not sure which this is also . what does a pg-13 shower scene do for . anyone in case you confused it with . venice nebraska the first day of the . planetary alignment and we are still no . nearer to discovering the location of . the key the trying to thwart planetary . assignment committee from the latest . james bond movie was sent to the wrong . set we are working through things based . on ancient cosmological models do you . want t viruses cuz this is how you get t . viruses also it can't be stressed enough . that this is exactly the same character . he plays in resident evil extinction. he's the guy who has to find something . impossible for some shady organization . and it's getting blamed because he can't . find it what a weird typecasting . we will have our answer in time for the . relevant planetary alignment tomb raider . inspired so many planetary alignment. drinking games that dui arrests tripled . in the summer of 2001 but i'm happy to . announce that we are almost ready . why is beardless jour as designated book . carrier even here the materials he's . carrying don't seem to be needed and . also aren't acquiring godlike power . meetings usually a fairly closed thing . in fact the sidekick will be so ignored . this entire film he'd be better labeled . as a side stand so we will have . possession of the key in one week one . week even though this time parameter was . never brought up in the entirety of this . every evil person in the world bored me. we have only a single opportunity to . retrieve the two halves of the triangle . and if we hey we must wait another five . thousand years . echoey exposition acquisition egypt . again it's nothing but pyramids and sand . i know gets everywhere in the cracks if . anyone was wondering why the egyptian . tourism board decided not to sponsor . this film i miss you daddy and this . would mark the first time angelina jolie . has said those words in regard to jon . voight also richard croft died exactly . 20 years ago to the day of this . planetary alignment on top of that jfk . was released ten years prior to tomb . raider and 17 years prior the . ghostbusters informed us that cats and . dogs will be living together causing . mass hysteria so with all that . information we can conclude that two of . those films are good when is the eclipse . in one week from today but there is . plenty to look out for until then equip . shadowing the exact alignment of planets . necessary to activate triangle only . occurs once every 5,000 years . listen lara croft to blow up and to find . it too bad we didn't get to see any . scenes of teenage lauren whining about . how she doesn't want to be a worldwide . adventure seeker when she grows up she . just wants to cut hair also dream . splaining well we now know why laura is . single first off she's an independent . woman who doesn't need a man second she . stabbed her last five boyfriends to . death in their sleep movie will. continually give us unnecessary pov. shots because the thing we all love . about video games is walking through . hallways this movie focuses so much . attention on laura's breasts i think if . they had just called this movie laura . croft twin raiders no one would have . blinked an eye seems like a pretty . drastic move but since laura thinks she . hears ticking she's probably feeling a . bit clock blocked we have 82 rooms why . can't you live in the house probably. because it makes the robot orgies he's . obviously been having a little less . awkward for everyone involved this works . also this hammering scene will require . forward cutaways all of which piss me . off. convenient foot propping chair is. convenient two million two hundred . thousand two million three hundred . thousand two million three two million. four hundred thousand ladies paid to . accidentally bidding at auctions is not. only unbinding it's almost impossible . auctioneers are as skilled at . determining bids as laura croft is at . herbal essence inner showers future. james bond shows up in a movie that rips. off james bond maybe we don't maybe we . do why you stole my prayer wheel stole . stole the scene is apparently a battle . of who has the worst accent he read . credits between this and the national . treasure movies jon voight has an odd . fascination with playing fathers have. wannabe indiana jones' movie has a clear . policy of no vehicles being allowed to . drive at a normal speed also in the . previous scene laura rode her motorcycle . to the auction here she's taking her . aston martin what makes one trip a . motorcycle trip and another a car trip . she nearly brought photographs it's also . an amazing coincidence the powell is . going to have the key fall right in his . lap a couple days after being threatened . by the old evil people committee this is . a pleasurable torment my ignorant amuses . me man fred powell's dialogue sounds as . if emily bronte and f scott fitzgerald . had a three-way with aurel stein unjam . up a jumpring since they clearly have no . issue killing laura why wouldn't they . have just killed bryce instead of . locking him up inside his trailer where . does this bullet come from that it only . manages to hit the can and nothing else . on the desk. including bryce not one of these hookers . has been able to even nick laura with a . bullet is this the dollar general of hit . squats it took hillary that long to put . on a vest and some slippers . of course lara is in the exact place is . the phone when you call and at the exact . time you decide to call her because yeah . movies movie establishes the shot of all . the car keys falling down . however laura still only has two hands . how is she getting every car to go off . at the same time just cut from her . running to her sliding and then another . cut to grabbing the gun from bad guy . then three cups of her getting up off . the slide then about five more cuts of . running and bad guys till she somehow it . gets to a motorcycle hood it's been . confusing to the audience and a little . over the place and there's loud music . bullets firing and she's all jiggly in . her pj's who will even care cinemasins . cares mother farts cinemasins cares with . time of the essence our protagonist. wastes three seconds doing a full 360 . doughnut instead of actually heroic . because reasons is this mess really what . counts is editing in 2001 the shooter is . shooting up to the right yet when we . quick cut to jolie she's also shooting . to the right and later he's still . obviously on the left if you're gonna . give us an epileptic seizure with the. cutting at least have the decency to get . the geography sort of correct why is . this still sitting on the table with . clock pieces around it we've already . seen that she took it to her clock . friend so why wouldn't she have locked . it away afterwards i think gone hero . never misses unless they accidentally. shoot at a friend cliched this editing . ten full seconds a hallway walking with . three different angles seriously i've . seen snapchats from middle schoolers. with more restraint lawyers note i have . never received a snapchat from a middle . schooler ups driver casually enters a. home without being invited because . apparently what brown can do for you is . invade your privacy and judge your mess . also that concludes the always. compelling people delivering things to . other people's section of the movie with . the bad guys delivering the triangle. piece and now this letter with . absolutely nothing else important . happening by donning dota i knew you . figure this out how he was gonna have a . post deceased letter sent why not just. explain everything there instead of some . random william blake quote that would. hopefully lead her to ripping up the. first edition text and i miss you and . love you always and forever movie takes . the old letter being read in the voice . of a person who wrote a trope up a notch. by actua
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