Monologue: Abusive Aides and Military Parades | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

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Bill recaps the top stories of the week, including White House domestic abusers and President Trump's desire for a military parade.
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Caption:
I know . [applause]. i know how can you not be excited when . the winter olympics know what started . listen if you're as excited as b you are . not very excited i know i shouldn't be . cynical the winter olympics actually a. great thing that all nations can come . together even the shithole countries . ladies and gentlemen we we say we sent. mike pence to the olympics he's there . though he's there now. doesn't like it foreigners playing in . the snow that's you know like i said he . he doesn't want to see mexicans on ice . he wants to see ice on mexico. and while you were sleeping last night . there was a government shutdown do you . know this again this happens america is . not like one of those mom-and-pop store . is where the odor just feels up when he . showed and feels like showing up . whatever the i was trying to say . [applause]. but there was no shutdown because pt we . made a budget we have a budget--. okay the yearly deficit now not the debt . that's the accumulation of all the . deficits that's like 20 trillion but . just in one year now one trillion . dollars i don't want to be and i told . you so but you knew this was gonna . happen when you elected hillary i mean . republicans man i mean no shame in . their game when when obama was president. and spending needed to happen they . fought every goddamn penny but they . opened right up to the white guy in dc . that's called the reverse kardashian. [music]. and of course republicans you know this . about them they're great for coming up . but do really just pull a rule out of . their ass and it's like it's always been . there the new rule for them so for the . dead is as long as you claim . but you hate this with every fiber of . your being you can go ahead and do it . they have the same rule for gay sex and . collusion and of course most of this. money is urgently not needed by the . military that's where it's gonna go . trump alevis quotes today said we love . our military we gave them everything and . more yes that's why he's known as the . master of negotiating but the government . the government is open on the white . house can get back to the important . business of hiring wifebeaters they've . been following this rob porter guy at . the white house okay . oh yes and trump now is mad again a . general kelly you know general kelly his . stone-faced chief of staff . i call him general on electric . apparently he should have vetted this . guy rob porter a lot better and. everybody at the white house is like . well i didn't know it was around for a . year that these accusation . his secret service code name was floyd . mayweather you know trump always on the . right side of it issue . he sprang right into action he told this . rob porter guy said i want your. resignation letter on my makeup table in . the morning you clean out your chris. brown's he said your brass knuckles and. get out of here . this guy's a mormon a mormon domestic . abuser what's that like to the planet . kolob alice fans of the honeymooners you . gotta love that man audience but tell . also the interesting dig is robert . porter whatever the name is is was. dating hope hicks you know hope picks . the 29 year-old chief of communications . there at the white house and toe pics . used to date trump's campaign manager . corey lewandowski and there is rumors . that corey lewandowski actually dropped. the dime on rob porter for stealing his . woman tune in tomorrow for another . episode of all my douche bags it's like . the west wing meets clueless and over on . celebrity big brother is coming out soon . and in the previews omarosa it's a talk . to you - what are the other housemates . that she gets into tears when the person . says what's it like over there at the . white house and omarosa says it's not . going to be okay it's so bad less than a . year over there and they turned her into. marlon brando in apocalypse now . [applause]. but of course when amorosa said that the . white house took the high road and did . not comment i'm with you of . course they had to go tit for debt i . love it with the white house press books . but said omarosa said was fired three . times on the apprentice this was the . fourth time we let her go yes if only . there had been some way to predict that . she wouldn't be working out and then to . top off this utterly splendid week. donald trump told the pentagon that he . wants a military parade yes america . raagh wha is gonna do the tanks in the . streets thing oh it's gonna be . spectacular tanks and missiles and . fighter jets all presided over by a . loose cannon. this is this is scary stuff i mean this . has come up before they've asked we . don't do this no president does this . republicans democrats in the 1950s and. the height of the cold war they wanted . ice in there a lot of people in an . eisenhower to do this and ice never said . no we're strong that would actually make . us look weak but trump is not eisenhower . eisenhower for one went bald naturally . he didn't comb hairs from his nutsack . updates on his hand . did you see trump's bad hair day today . this is look at that . [applause]. yeah. what i always thought the head here came . from there if it's not there where is it . coming from this is why he doesn't come . down until 11:00 a. m. do you know this . the tweet started six in the morning he . doesn't get to the office till 11:00 . what is he doing that whole time his . hair. seriously fox and friends he watches his . stories and does his hair that's who . your president is a guy who'd put does . his hair all morning and then puts on . his face which he keeps in a jar by the . door. .
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